Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How to be cool like me.

I've been asked time and time again, "Abby, how can I ever be as cool as you?"

Actually, I have never once been asked this, but I know you are all thinking it and are merely too intimidated by my unmitigated awesomeness to ask.  Not to fear!  I've taken the liberty of answering your unspoken question for you.  And here we go:

1.  Have purple hair.
2.  Get people's names wrong.
3.  Have an extended family that is straight out of a Woody Allen movie, but not in a funny ha-ha kind of way.
4.  Name inanimate objects.  For example: your sewing machine, your minivan, etc.  I've named mine Sappho and Black Mamba, so those are taken.
5.  Watch way too much Dr. Who.
6.  After half of an alcoholic beverage curl up on the couch like a little kitten and fall asleep.  In other words, be the life of the party!
7.  Assume everyone loves you.
8.  Assume everyone hates you.
9.  Argue with your cat.
10. Be perpetually inappropriate, ideally while using catch phrases too often or completely wrong.
11. Live on the West Side.  Booyah.
12. Marry a dude who is artsy and sweet and shy and is totally smitten with you.  Extra bonus points if he lusted for you from afar for several years.  I can't recommend this highly enough.
13.  Eat greek yogurt.
14.  Walk around with your own personal soundtrack in your head.  Randomly dance to it.
15.  Do not leave the house for days on end and when you do it's to go to Target.

There!  See how easy that is?  Soon you too will be a raging badass like myself if you follow these simple steps.  You're welcome!